kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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