I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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