and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
