Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
