You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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