The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
