oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
