My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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