I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize