I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize