i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
