4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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