weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
