roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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