i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
