I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
