Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
