You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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