plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
