Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
