Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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