so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
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