a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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