I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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