Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Randomize
