Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
this hospital has no fireball
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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