Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
