Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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