My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
