Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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