Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
