Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
True strength comes from lack of pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
