i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
