I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
