Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
