You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
