The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
