Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize