I want to make a zoo with you.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Let's get the cat blown out
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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