Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Let's paint friendship bongs
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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