I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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