don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
