I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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