it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I will be naked everywhere
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
