She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Semen is not good for contacts.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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