I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
