finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
