I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
