I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
