Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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