He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
