Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My dick has a subreddit
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
