I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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