anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
