Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
