all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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