dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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