My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
